I feel so lost and so depressed lately I seriously dont know whats going on with me. Must be the demon inside me....

I dont feel happy at all. Even when Mark is around I'll be happy for a inte but then crash the next. I feel so lost that I dont know how to deal with it. I might be really depresed... just dont know about what. I guess it's because it's getting close to the month of February... fuckin love month! The fuckin pressures and hassles and stress! I'm never with someone everytime it's valentines day... I guess I'm scared that before Valentines Mark and i would break up and then... yeah! i'll be single and devastated once again. Although... this year I was with someone both Christmas and new years.... So maybe... just maybe....

Fuck cant even post a proper entry! Sorry... I just feel so fuckin retartded right now!

i just need peace of mind... peace of mind.... and security....

Last night I dunno what happened to mark. So fuckin weird! He was normal the whole day. He slept over my house & before I left for work he was normal. I called him during the afternoon and he was still normal. By night time I called him again he was still normal but after about 3 minutes of talking on the phone... he asked me if i love him and I said sometimes I think I love him. Then he said not to love him cos he thinks he's not worthy. I asked him why he's said that and he said that he's confused about his life and love. And that I'm a such a nice person and that I dont deserve him.  I asked him why he's saying that and he said that he's just confused and even asked me if I get like that sometimes. I said yes, at times I get like that. But he's already made me upset cos Ive heard that thing before from Frank and it's just weird that they've also got the same excuse! Like for fuck's sake! It's so cliche!

Guys are so pathetic sometimes! I hope that if they want to break up with a girl, just say Im no longer interested! It's not hard to say or do! It's so fuckin easy! Funny how the other nite we were even talking about how stupid and lame Del is with Camila, playing with her thoughts and feelings... Mark, for fuck's sake... what do you think are you doing to me now?!!? How can a guy on his late 30's be still confused about his life? Or yeah... maybe it happens when you've got too many friends telling you what to do with your life. Fuck I'm glad I dont have much friends who meddles with my life... well, except for Anita who's a bit of an idiota as well, who is really pissing me off at the moment and I so want to fuckin just tell her to fuckin leave me alone and just be fuckin happy for me and not to be to so negative about my life!

Arrrggghhhh!!!! For fuck's sake! Fuckin annoying people! I better get me some lovin now... I need postive energy from positive people! So angry, so lost and oh so fuckin confused!!!!!

I was reading through one of my sickest friend's blogs and came across this short but funny movie and asked him if I can post it on my blog too! I'm pretty sure you'll love it!!!

Click on this sick link: http://www.foxsearchlight.com/lab/shorts/farmsluts/ quicktime.html" title="http://www.foxsearchlight.com/lab/shorts/farmsluts/ quicktime.html" target="_blank"http://www.foxsearchlight.com...

Enjoy!!!

I think it's now time for a change of jobs for me. I have been asking for a pay-rise since October last year and they keep on saying that I'll be getting it soon. Well, it's now 2006 and was told that I will hear from HR by this week. I'm not that patient enough with them anymore though and have decided to apply and submit my CV to some companies. I'm just hoping and praying that I'll find another job soon as I'm sick of my sleazy boss and the whingeing of the boys at work about work!

I like Mondays... Me Time Mondays... I'm focused and motivated... to look for a new job! 

I love Mondays!

Okay... here it is my Gemini friends! It took me a while to post it as I was too busy and didnt have much time to blog.

2006 – Your Year

You are already on the road to a lifestyle change as you read this, but there will be even more opportunities to work or live differently in 2006, thanks to a series of lucky breaks which affect how you are able to manage your job, health, wellbeing or daily responsibilities at home. A record number of Geminis will begin new careers this year, following surprising u-turns or sudden decisions – if so, you should feel an astonishing sense of freedom in your new position. A brother, sister or cousin will need a patient approach.

Love

Single Geminis

Your continued single status this year could make you the rebel in the family!  You may decide to fly solo now because of your career – or  because you value your independence more than anything else. You could have fun experimenting with a new kind of dating game which gives women equal power with men, or even dominance. One thing is certain. You do not want love, or even a wedding, on the same basis that your grandmother did. Only a certain kind of partner can understand this, but you're prepared to wait for what you want.

Geminis in Partnerships

Look deeper to find the bedrock of your love this year, and you will see that even though there are times when the relationship feels intense and changeable, there are hidden layers below which tell quite a different story. If you are still together after the challenges of the last few years, then you have been building quite a powerful partnership, below the surface. Geminis run on nervous energy, but sometimes this can create imblance in a day-to-day relationship. Centre yourself (yoga or meditation will help) and trust what you have.

Career

Some of you will make a career in beauty, beautiful objects or alternative medicine this year, even if your current job is quite different! For the majority of Geminis, though, the next 12 months is about quality of lifestyle, not quantity of achievements. Jupiter is passing through a horoscope zone associated with simplicity, service and the small things. This cycle, which can only take place every 12 years, will help you to create a job environment which is wonderfully uncomplicated, if that is what you want. Worth a try?

Money

If you were one of the Gemini women affected by the tough Pluto Saturn cycle last year, then your break-up needs expert handling, as custody or childcare issues are involved. In all cases, 2006 will find you booking vital appointments with an accountant, lawyer, Human Resources manager, union official or other professional who you believe can help to balance the financial scales. You may also be selling your ideas this year. For all Geminis, money means negotiation and debate this year; use your famous wordpower to succeed.

Health

The clues, signs, contacts and connections which are in place around May 5-6 and August 29 will bring alternative, exciting and liberating opportunities which will make a remarkable difference to your wellbeing. It takes decades for Jupiter, the planet of luck, and Uranus, the planet of freedom, to join forces like this; you will find yourself in the right time and place to make much more of your health this year, as a result. A highly intuitive doctor, nurse, dietitian, fitness instructor, yoga teacher or alternative health guru may be the key.

Yay! It sounds pretty positive to me! I'm going to the Gold Coast soon to see the clairvoyant who reads my cards... I'll let you know what she says too!!!

Ciao!

I feel so much better now compared to how I was feeling last night. I guess in some way being around my family gives me that calming feeling. Plus being with them reminds me of how lucky I am to have a loving a family. I know we're not the perfect family. Sometimes we get so anrgy and annoyed with each other that we would want to strangle each other and break each others bones but at the same time deep inside we know that we love and care for each other. And thats whats important.

I've realized I've got 2 types of friends. The good ones and the better ones. I'm not sure if I really do have bad ones... I'd hate to think that I do.

• The good ones are the ones who I go out clubbing and partying with. They're all fun to be with and yeah I know that they care for me to cos if some annoying bastard will try to pick me up or I'm to scattered and if I'm off my face they're always there for me. Boy problems, relationship woes or even just work stress, I can talk to them about it too. Only problem is we dont have much to talk about when we're out partying... not unless we're drunk then everything else seems to be very interesting or very funny!


• The better ones... They're the ones who's settled in their loving relationships. Either married, engaged or in a serious relationship. Yes we go out... for coffee, lunch or dinner. Occasionally we wold go out for drinks but they have to go home early, say around 12ish...? Cos they're tired or they've got something planned for the next day. Like shopping for something in the garden or they have to go for a picnic or they have to visit a family or etc.... Thats the downside. The good side though is... they are sincere and their friendship is real. I know that if I confide in them they really listen. I know that if I'm sad or if I'm happy they feel for me. If I cry theyre the first ones who comes into the rescue... no matter how far they are or what they're doing they'll drop everything. They get really excited and happy for me everytime I'll tell them a really happy story about my Marky. I remember once Kristell came over my house and it was messy, instead of telling me off and criticising me, she gave me a hug and told me she feels sorry that I'm too busy. She even told BJ that maybe she should cook me something for dinner to help me save time. When I'm sad, they feel sad too. I'll never forget the day when I was so sad and so lost, they were all there for me. If i didnt want to talk, they'll let me be and not be offended cos I was ignoring them and they just stayed to keep me company so that when I'm ready to smile they will be there to smile with me. Sometimes it gets a bit annoying cos they can be so nice to the point where there's just too much niceness! But I love them for their niceness and kindness.

It's okay I guess.... It's just funny how they've both got their upside's and downside's. I know I'm not a perfect friend too. Gosh... I reckon I'm the moodiest and temperamental person here on planet earth. I go crazy at most times and it's funny how they put up with it. My good friends would just tell me to get over it or sometimes just ignore it but bitch behind my back (yes, I know they do... cos one of them once told me that the one of them said something nasty about me... and yes... they do it to each other anyway... whilst I only whinge to Mark and most times I tell them anyway cos I'm the feisty or the bitchy one... remember?!!?) My better friends would just tell me that I'm having a bad day and give me something to eat, drink or something to amuse myself then move on and forget about every single thing that I've said to them. Besides as Iris said we all get bad days... we all just deal with it in different ways. I find that I seldom get upset with my better friends... maybe it's because they're too happy about their lives that they dont have much negative energy in their system, plus yeah... we seldom see each other so everytime we meet up we're all happy and there's much to talk about. The good ones... hmmm... maybe it's only cos we're always together and we run out of things to say.... But how do I explain my relationship with Iris then??? When she was still here in Sydney, we talk every night. See each other almost everyday, have lunch together every Wednesday, send emails to each other everyday and play tennis every weekend. Go to the beach most summer weekends, have drinks every Friday night. Yes we fight and argue sometimes... but only when we both dont agree to whatever it is we're arguing about. Most times they're really petty. Like why I was late, why I wasnt wearing the necklace that she gave me, why she wasnt wearing the thongs that I gave her, why she wouldnt want to go to Establishment and go to The Loft instead. Very petty things! Maybe that's why she's my bestfriend. And funny enough, even now that she's back in Poland we still talk like she's just here in Sydney. I cherish every single moment we spent together when she was still here in Sydney and I'll never forget the day she left. I was trying so hard not to cry when I gave her my goodbye hug and she was crying like crazy. As soon as I got inside the cab and saw her plane go, I started crying and the cab driver kept on asking me if I was okay. A very sad day. I think none of my friends here would cry like that for me if one day I decide to move overseas. None of them would miss me like Iris and I miss each other. Sometimes I want to just leave Sydney and move to Europe just to be close to her... besides Iris said that she can get me a job in Belgium. Hmmm..... maybe I should consider that.

I miss Iris so much now.... I miss her so much that I can smell her perfume and hear her laughter. I wish she would go back soon. She said later this yr or early next yr but definitely she will be coming back as she misses Sydney and me of course. She and Anita didnt get well along, Anita said she's (Iris) too possessive of me... Iris said she (Anita) just thinks about herself. I both like their company but you all know who's more precious and closer to my heart.

I miss my Siostra..... :(

I was so angry with Anita last night that I couldnt keep my anger and frustration to myself! It was so embarrassing talking to Mark crying about what she did... that stuid cow! Anyway, my good friend Telly offered that I go with her and B for dinner but I thought no... didnt want to ruin their "Pre-Valentines Date" as BJ is leaving to go to Nepal in the next couple of week for 5 weeks so I kindly declined. So... I had an unplanned Me Time!

I went to get some Spanish DVD's so while trying to relax and enjoy myself i can learn and practice my Spanish as well. An before I watched the film, I spoke to my mum who then told me that I got my spanish temper from her mum. Therefore... yes... sometimes my Spanish blood come out of me! Shame it's more of the temperament and not the looks! Doesnt matter though... I know that despite me not looking mestisa like my mum... I'm still as Hot as ever! :wink: :wink:

Anyway... so I had my Spanish film fest last night. I bought La Spagnola and Lucia and Sex. They were both very funny and I loved them both. I will have to say that Lucia and Sex is my favourite though. It's not because there were heaps of sex scenes but it was the story line. It's a bit twised and Lucia was just so bold and daring but at the same time so in-love. And her boyfriend Lorenzo... Tristan Ulloa looks just like my Marky! Here's a transcript of the movie that I've taken from Mongoose.

Sex and Lucia explodes off the screen in a convoluted story and a series of intensely erotic and explicit sex scenes. By the time the movie is over, the story still makes no sense, but the sense of confusion over it is refreshing in an exhilarating way. Spain obviously like it, since it garnered two wins (Best New Actress - Paz Vega, and Best Original Score) out of over ten nominations for the Goya Awards, the Spanish equivalent of the Academy Awards (the nominated fields included every major thing - including two supporting actresses, best actor, director, film, and screenplay). Julio Medem (Lovers of the Arctic Circle, Tierra) wrote and directed Sex and Lucia, and cast probably the most photogenic cast in recent memory, and to their credit, they look stunningly hot and can act too. The story has two main threads, one taking place in the present, and one taking place six years earlier leading up to the present. What is clear is that Lorenzo (Tristan Ulloa) is a famous author with writer's block. Years ago, he had a one-night stand with Elena (Najwa Nimri). She had a daughter, but he doesn't know this. In the present, Lorenzo's relationship with Lucia (Vega) is just over. Lucia cannot stand Lorenzo anymore, and he now realizes how much he needs her. After a phone call from the police, Lucia believes Lorenzo is dead and goes to the island that inspired Lorenzo's writing to search for some sort of catharsis. There, she rents a room in a boarding house and spends the day traveling around the island. Medem then flashes back and shows the how Lucia and Lorenzo got together. Lucia was a huge fan of Lorenzo's first book, and she essentially threw herself at him. Their initial relationship consisted mostly of sex, which Medem filmed in unnecessarily graphic detail, as is the style in Europe these days. This can show any number of things; how tenuous their relationship is, how strong their relationship can be based on so little, or how spontaneous and free Lucia is. Their relationship begins to crumble as Lorenzo's novel fails to materialize on a timely basis. Lorenzo works in the school of thought where he writes what he knows. This is where things get especially confusing, especially as the movie moves into its third act. As the sex with Lucia becomes more intense, his novel heats up with similar situations. So is he writing what is happening to him, or is he imagining what he wishes would happen? He begins to incorporate Belen (Elena Anaya) into his novel. Belen, Lorenzo learns, is taking care of his daughter Luna (Silvia Llanos). He spends time with Belen because she spends time with Luna, but eventually their relationship becomes much closer. Some of the twists and relationships that exist between the characters become a little along the lines of a bad soap opera, but this is forgivable since Medem goes about it so stylistically. Everything turns back on itself, and everybody, sooner or later, comes back. Things begin getting extremely confusing, and there are multiple ways to interpret the ending, each one satisfying. Watching Sex and Lucia requires some thought, since things flash by quickly that have meaning later. Visually, Sex and Lucia is enthralling. Filming sex is difficult, adding the element of eroticism especially so. Lucia and Lorenzo (and everyone else) literally attack each other in bed, moaning, writhing, stripping, and playing with all sorts of things to sultry music by Alberto Iglesias . Medem films in such a way that parts of Sex and Lucia look like a dream, and this doesn't help understanding the movie any better. The island represents a happier time for Lorenzo, which is why Lucia goes there. On the island, the camera emphasizes the sun; everything is incredibly bright. It is as if nobody can hide anything, and the sun can cleanse away anything bad. And Medem isn't just using graphic sex to lure people in. The most explicit stuff tones down after the first half hour or so, and Medem then takes time to flesh out the characters more. Lorenzo is dealing with paternal instincts, Lucia with love, and Elena with betrayal. The characters quickly learn that they need more than superficial things for happiness. By the end, aside from the mass feeling of confusion and awe, it's also clear that at heart, Medem is a romantic.

Mongoose Rates It: Pretty Good.

_{Watching DVD's helped me calm down myself. I think I had a pretty good Me Time despite going bananas at first.... Mark reckons I should talk to Anita... dunno why or what for  the damage has been done and you guys know me... Once it's gone, it's gone. Oh well... lets see what will happen next.}

_Adios....

Mark has found my blog... Maybe I should move weblogs now but it wont make sense because he can just do a search on Google and still find me! Oh well... maybe just stop blogging! No!!!! Hehehehehehe..... Oh well... not much skeleton in the closet anyway. I was reading my blog last night till 2AM and it's the same old shit story anyway! Funny shit... Crazy shit! hehehehe.... I dont have much to write in here as I'm meant to be doing something else.... Later...........

Happy New year to everybody!!! My gosh... my NY's eve was really good and and lotsa fun! I had dinner with my girlfriends and later on met up with Mark for a New Yr's Pash (and sex)! When we got to The Fringe, we saw Aaron and Julius and they were with their new girlfriends. I like them... I reckon they're both nice and pretty. I was so happy and Anita was telling me that she hasnt seen me like that ever! I was so scattered it was so funny and I remember i was like this last NY's 2005 with Emily too... only this time there were no fighting, just laughing, giggling, flirting and just having a really good time with my friends. When Mark came around, we went sorta drifted from my friends and just had "us time" and just started pashing... I was a happy puppy and loved everyone that night that I was just carressing Mark's back and just giving him little kisses until we got back to his house around 3:30am. He told me I looked like a mess and we took a cold shower together as it was so hot (twas 38 deg)!!! Then as soon as we hit the sack... gone were our inhibitions! We didnt stop till 7am! i had to tell him to stop as I was so tired and I had to go to my Nan's house for NY's lunch and he had to go to his friends party the same time.

New Yr's day... it was so hot!!! It was 45 deg and I was so cranky cos Mark couldnt drive me home as we both got up late and we both had commitments at the same time. I was also scattered still from the night before partying like I havent done for ages! Hehehehehe....

But before I left his house, we made some big plans for Tuesday.... Once done, I'll let you know....

Hint: it's a marathon!